Right now my kids are watching a show called Chowder. It’s possible I’ve never been more confused. I would attribute this to my having joined them midway through the episode, but as I’ve sat through at least four episodes previously I have no excuse.
Here’s what’s going on. Chowder is a purple racoon. The only reason I know this is because my kids, All-Knowing Child (AKC) and her sister Condescending Girl (CG), have explained this to me. Chowder wears clothes and has a crazy afro which may actually be a hat. I just watched him throw up the contents of his stomach which included, but was not exclusive to, several large vegetables and an entire marching band. This is probably funny, but AKC and CG are watching with serious intensity, their faces pressed close enough to the TV that I have to trot out the old “You’ll ruin your eyes if you don’t scoot back,” to which CG explains “I’ve been watching it like this all day.” Oh, well, that’s better then.
Chowder has friends, or possibly relatives, like a blue guy with strange growths coming out above his ears which may indicate his species, but may not. Blue guy is trying to teach Chowder to cook, but whatever they have concocted has turned into a giant green hand and is chasing Chowder around an industrial kitchen. Chowder eats it, then regurgitates part into the bowl of a customer of what appears to be a restaurant.
The episode ends.
Next episode begins. A pink animal is in love with Chowder. I ask my kids what kind of animal she is, and am told “She’s like a bunny.” I concur. They stand outside some kind of farmers market where the vegetable proprietor is a furry elephant thing. Pink Bunny tries to hold Chowder’s hand and he spit-takes through several scenes that include sweeping, brushing his teeth, and going to bed. Now he’s talking to an amorphous cloud trapped in a cage about how he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend.
He and Blue Guy are trying to make balloon animals in the industrial kitchen, and I’m not sure if this show is actually nonsensical or if I’ve lost the ability to follow an episodic story line. There are green creatures stuck to Blue Guy’s face. I ask my kids what Blue Guy’s name is, and CG says, and I quote, “Mom. That’s his mom. Well, it’s actually his dad, but he doesn’t know that, yet.” What the what, now? This confirms my biggest fear that children’s television is officially too complicated for me to understand.
Chowder tries to tell Pink Girl that he’s not her boyfriend, but she misses several enormous hints to that effect, so at least neither one of us knows what’s going on. A tall guy who speaks nonsensically joins him onstage and they sing jazz. The stage explodes. People run. I finally get what’s going on. Someone took the idiotic concept that was Family Guy, kept the premise of randomness, and replaced the family with unidentifiable creatures doing things for no reason.
I think they live in India?
It should come as no surprise that this little gem is the creation of the Cartoon Network. Which is really pretty much all I could have said.
Do not watch this piece of garbage unless you want to feel stupider than your kids.
In Which Present-Day Melissa Critiques Current Children’s Shows Starting With On Super Why
by MelissaNow that I have children of my own, it’s come to my attention that children’s television is terrible. I could make them turn off the TV and do something productive like learn to play the violin, but. Nah.
Instead, let’s critically review these shows, starting with Super Why, which has a great premise what with being about words and being made by PBS, the mother of all educational channels. Still, I’m underwhelmed.
In episode #14 a little girl shows up late to a tea party and has missed the entire thing. She calls the Super Why team for help. This is where our philosophies part ways: in my world the only “help” this little girl would get would be of the “you snooze you lose” variety. Instead, the Super Why team coddles the spoiled brat into believing this is an actual emergency, and enlists our help. First they ask our names, which I register only slightly too late and blurt out “Mommy!” for which I am immediately corrected by my all-knowing 5-year-old who reminds me that Mommy is not my actual name. It is Melissa. She gazes at me for a moment with a thinly veiled look of pity.
That’s when each character names their superpower. I learn that they each have a word-related superpower, yet none of them have the power of punctuation. That’s a lot of properly-spelled high-syllabic bad grammar about to happen. I ask if my superpower can be apostrophe-related and am told by the All-Knowing Child that there is no such thing. Our superpower, she says at the exact same moment as the TV, is the power of HELPING. What kind of bullshit superpower is that? That’s like trying to convince the water boy he has an actual position on the football team. I’m no idiot. Helping is not even a regular power. Fuck superpower.
Next the show informs us that when we need help, we need to look in a book. I value this advice, as I ask All-Knowing Child to please stop licking the TV. She complies. I wonder what kind of book we’ll find that will read “Buy a fucking watch, you dumb spoiled twat,” when the Super Why team picks Alice in Wonderland. They think that following the White Rabbit will help us learn how to be on time. This clearly defies logic. Why would you learn how to be on time from the most famously-late character of all time? If you recall, for the entirety of the book (OK, fine, the movie, fuck off) the rabbit is running around announcing that he is already late. What’s next, learning boat-patching skills from the characters on Gilligan’s Island?
Fine, we chase the white rabbit and encounter various types of ridiculous scenarios that involve guessing words and spelling and which lead All-Knowing Child to believe that adulthood is laced with secret doors that can only be opened by playing an elaborate version of hangman. She’s in for a rude awakening, but I’m not going to spoil the surprise. We’re interrupted by a discussion in which All-Knowing Child announces that I have failed to bring her an apple, as she requested. I point out that she never actually asked for an apple, she simply declared about 20 minutes ago that she wanted one. My superpower is literalism. Also, the power of get it your damn self, you know where the apples are.
After apples are procured (she brought me one, too, and that’s what I call parenting) we meet the Queen of Hearts, but in this version of events she’s super nice and understanding. What the actual fuck? The entire point of Alice in Wonderland is the off her rocker crazy bitch at the end. It’s a hyperinstensive acid trip. Without Off With Their Heads, it’s just a boring midday jog on weed. And that’s why this show sucks. That isn’t the real world. You don’t unlock a secret door with your ability to spell the word spoon, trespass on royal territory, and somehow get the spoiled brat to her next tea party on time. This is a world without consequences, or punctuation. And that’s not helping anyone.
Oh well, at least I got to stay on my space ship couch and zoom home with the team. Now All-Knowing Child is watching The First 100 Days of something only she’s stuck on day 21 which has cookies. She has it paused and is trying to eat the cookies off the screen. Before we tackle spelling, maybe we should master Real versus Not Real.
And that, my friends, is why our kids will all need therapy.
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