Right now my kids are watching a show called Chowder. It’s possible I’ve never been more confused. I would attribute this to my having joined them midway through the episode, but as I’ve sat through at least four episodes previously I have no excuse.
Here’s what’s going on. Chowder is a purple racoon. The only reason I know this is because my kids, All-Knowing Child (AKC) and her sister Condescending Girl (CG), have explained this to me. Chowder wears clothes and has a crazy afro which may actually be a hat. I just watched him throw up the contents of his stomach which included, but was not exclusive to, several large vegetables and an entire marching band. This is probably funny, but AKC and CG are watching with serious intensity, their faces pressed close enough to the TV that I have to trot out the old “You’ll ruin your eyes if you don’t scoot back,” to which CG explains “I’ve been watching it like this all day.” Oh, well, that’s better then.
Chowder has friends, or possibly relatives, like a blue guy with strange growths coming out above his ears which may indicate his species, but may not. Blue guy is trying to teach Chowder to cook, but whatever they have concocted has turned into a giant green hand and is chasing Chowder around an industrial kitchen. Chowder eats it, then regurgitates part into the bowl of a customer of what appears to be a restaurant.
The episode ends.
Next episode begins. A pink animal is in love with Chowder. I ask my kids what kind of animal she is, and am told “She’s like a bunny.” I concur. They stand outside some kind of farmers market where the vegetable proprietor is a furry elephant thing. Pink Bunny tries to hold Chowder’s hand and he spit-takes through several scenes that include sweeping, brushing his teeth, and going to bed. Now he’s talking to an amorphous cloud trapped in a cage about how he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend.
He and Blue Guy are trying to make balloon animals in the industrial kitchen, and I’m not sure if this show is actually nonsensical or if I’ve lost the ability to follow an episodic story line. There are green creatures stuck to Blue Guy’s face. I ask my kids what Blue Guy’s name is, and CG says, and I quote, “Mom. That’s his mom. Well, it’s actually his dad, but he doesn’t know that, yet.” What the what, now? This confirms my biggest fear that children’s television is officially too complicated for me to understand.
Chowder tries to tell Pink Girl that he’s not her boyfriend, but she misses several enormous hints to that effect, so at least neither one of us knows what’s going on. A tall guy who speaks nonsensically joins him onstage and they sing jazz. The stage explodes. People run. I finally get what’s going on. Someone took the idiotic concept that was Family Guy, kept the premise of randomness, and replaced the family with unidentifiable creatures doing things for no reason.
I think they live in India?
It should come as no surprise that this little gem is the creation of the Cartoon Network. Which is really pretty much all I could have said.
Do not watch this piece of garbage unless you want to feel stupider than your kids.